Tags
friends, heartbreak, letter, life, love, personal, unrequited love
As I write this short letter, here you are, beside me, eyes glued to your mobile phone, with not a care in the world. I don’t know if I would ever tell you my feelings, but, for now, all I can do is write about it.
Dear person,
Hi! We haven’t spoken for one day and already I’m having withdrawals. you see, I get attached easily. I’m the type who invests their feelings on people. I want people to be comfortable with me, because I want to be their friend. And I think I succeeded spectacularly with this specific mission of mine. We’re friends; “close friends”, you said, so now, I have this other problem, I don’t want to be your friend. What I want is to be someone special to you; more than being trusted, I want to feel that this “friendship” we have going, has the possibility to bloom into something more; I want this “friendship” to be stable enough to build a relationship after friendship; I want this “friendship” to last a lifetime or 2; I want this “friendship” to blossom into a strong coccoon of passion , love , and everything in between.
But you’re not ready for a relationship. So am I. But does this mean we can’t try? No. It just means, I’m too scared; too scared to make the first move; too scared to lose this thing; too scared that maybe THIS friendship is not that strong to weather all the ups and downs of a relationship. I’m scared you’d tire of me; I’m scared that you will think me immature, childish and just not right for you. I’m scared of a lot of things, but I want to try. I am so willing to try, if you would just give me signs and signals at least! that I’m not the only one feeling this; that I can trust in you somehow that this friendship is something worth taking to the next level.
Bottom line, I want my other person. and I want it to be you; I want it to be you beside me when I’m feeling down, lost and confused. I want to be there when you reach all your hopes and dreams. I want to be that person you tell your dreams to. I want to be that person you dream up a future with.
But I’m not.
You don’t know how many times I’ve wanted to text and PM you, just to ask how your day is going. But I know you won’t reply, so I don’t bother because I’m not your girlfriend (what a bunch of bull!).
I remember asking you months ago, “who’s your type? in the office?” “None, but she is pretty.” I replied “ahh so you, have a crush on her?’ you replied ” I just think she’s pretty, does it automatically mean I have a crush on her?” I don’t know, but I my feelings were unattached at the time, so I didn’t pay any mind to it.
I’m just a “close friend” you like hanging out with, sometimes; that “close friend” you ask when you go down for a smoke; that “close friend” you enjoy being with, but not anything more. I’m just that “close friend” who you consider your partner in the office.
And I do this, even with the possibility of getting lung cancer, because I like you. I genuinely like like you, and I can’t tell you because I don’t want our connection to end and because I’m having too much fun talking to you.
I hope this very messy message arrives to you in one piece.
Love,
Your person