Love is heartbreaking, so much so for unrequited love.

Tags

friends, heartbreak, letter, life, love, personal, unrequited love

As I write this short letter, here you are, beside me, eyes glued to your mobile phone, with not a care in the world. I don’t know if I would ever tell you my feelings, but, for now, all I can do is write about it.

Dear person,

Hi! We haven’t spoken for one day and already I’m having withdrawals. you see, I get attached easily. I’m the type who invests their feelings on people. I want people to be comfortable with me,  because I want to be their friend. And I think I succeeded spectacularly with this specific mission of mine. We’re friends; “close friends”, you said, so now, I have this other problem, I don’t want to be your friend. What I want is to be someone special to you; more than being trusted, I want to feel that this “friendship” we have going, has the possibility to bloom into something more; I want this “friendship” to be stable enough to build a relationship after friendship; I want this “friendship” to last a lifetime or 2; I want this “friendship” to blossom into a strong coccoon of passion , love , and everything in between.

But you’re not ready for a relationship. So am I. But does this mean we can’t try? No. It just means, I’m too scared; too scared to make the first move; too scared to lose this thing; too scared that maybe THIS friendship is not that strong to weather all the ups and downs of a relationship. I’m scared you’d tire of me; I’m scared that you will think me immature, childish and just not right for you. I’m scared of a lot of things, but I want to try. I am so willing to try, if you would just give me signs and signals at least! that I’m not the only one feeling this; that I can trust in you somehow that this friendship is something worth taking to the next level.

Bottom line, I want my other person. and I want it to be you; I want it to be you beside me when I’m feeling down, lost and confused. I want to be there when you reach all your hopes and dreams. I want to be that person you tell your dreams to. I want to be that person you dream up a future with.

But I’m not.

You don’t know how many times I’ve wanted to text and PM you, just to ask how your day is going. But I know you won’t reply, so I don’t bother because I’m not your girlfriend (what a bunch of bull!).

I remember asking you months ago, “who’s your type? in the office?” “None, but she is pretty.” I replied “ahh so you, have a crush on her?’ you replied ” I just think she’s pretty, does it automatically mean I have a crush on her?” I don’t know, but I my feelings were unattached at the time, so I didn’t pay any mind to it.

I’m just a “close friend” you like hanging out with, sometimes; that “close friend” you ask when you go down for a smoke; that “close friend” you enjoy being with, but not anything more. I’m just that “close friend” who you consider your partner in the office.

And I do this, even with the possibility of getting lung cancer, because I like you. I genuinely like like you, and I can’t tell you because I don’t want our connection to end and because I’m having too much fun talking to you.

I hope this very messy message arrives to you in one piece.

Love,

Your person

He could be

Tags

crush, inspire, lesson, love, self improvement, self worth

He’s the type of person you settle down with. Hes the type of man you wish your husband would be.
I feel like a doe-eyed bambi. An ignorant girl who looks at life through flowery and unrealistic eyes. The eyes of a dreamer; the eyes of a girl who just wants to be loved and to be treated right. The girl who just wants to get it right with their first run-in with life and love.
He’s the type of person you’d be proud to introduce to your parents. Manners. Respectful. Patient.
Maybe right now he’s being mounted on a pedestal, but at least this girl will already have clue on the type of man she’d like to spend the rest of their life with.
When he said he had her face many challenges that she passed. It made me feel like I didn’t. I felt sad. Maybe even offended? For a moment I thought, “so I didn’t pass? not even the first one?” I literally had to rethink all our conversations. Real talk. And in the end I realized, maybe somehow, I want to up MY personal standards. I want to upgrade myself and maybe with a little help from this guy, maybe someday I could get a guy as good and strong willed as him.

Rambles.

Tags

crush, laughter, life, live, lonely, love

Do you think its true that you cant fully expereince life when yu dont live,laugh and love?

In face value it is to some extent that it is possible to live with not having all 3. But living without laughter is dull and living without love is sad and laughing without living is insufficient and laughing without loving is dead.

1. I have this crush on a boy. I mer him 2 weeks ago at the company I work for. Friends are all we are to him. I look to him as a possiblity of having more. We don’t fit. We don’t make sense. He’s older by 3 years. I feel like he’s seen so much of the world when Im just barely trying to reach one city  without having to always convince them that its alright. He drives. He’s rich. Im scared he’s out of my league. He does things I only wish I could. He’s confident. Hes got swag. He’s everything that would make life interesting to live in. Im confused because I feel that we could be friends. But my mind keeps going someplace where we’re more. And its hard to live always expectinv something that is sooo farfet hed and yet your mind wants you to feel the possibility of the love he could give you. The attention. The care. I tell myself its all good. I know im not ready to have the relationship I want. The kind of relationship that lasts;withstands time. I’m not ready. But when will I ever be if not now?

Life is shit without love and laughter. Love is shit without living and laughter. Laughter is shit when there’s not life and love.

Reminsce

Tags

college, family, friends, high school, life

Before I get on with this post, I just want to make it known that I’m a really messy person; I put away a bunch of stuff in a shoe box and keep it for a few years hidden away from my sight until the next time I clean my room where I tear up everything that’s been collecting dust and search through the things that can be thrown out. 

Which brings us to my situation as of the moment. I’m currently in bed, with tear-runs on my cheek. And as I’m typing right now, I get a lot more reminiscent of the good ole days. 

I guess it happens when you haven’t seen all of the letters and pictures for years back in high school, and now, 4 years later, you just think about how time has flown by so fast. Back then, I never would’ve thought that I could pass a college, especially with the kinds of grades I had? Jesus. In a test paper in math, youd think the ballpen I used was color red because of my teachers’ comments on my answers! And I’ve been telling myself since I found these papers “how the fuck did I pass math?? how the fuck did I pass algebra??”. 

I was that type of person who just lived at the moment I guess? ( not sure if the observation still stands) I was worried, of course, of the future but only momentarily because I enjoyed life! I loved my friends! I loved the joy of spending lunch and recess playing volleyball out on the lawn! I loved getting giddy over seeing my crush playing the damn guitar while singing! I miss high school, and the simple life and mind that came with it.

I have to make it known that since I was engrossed in living(as if), I wasn’t that much aware of my family’s problems back then, or maybe I was when I was just a child so I learned to tune it out? Anyway, so I just had fun? But not extreme fun, it just came to the point where I wanted to be out playing instead of just staying indoors. This was the result I guess of being too sheltered from the world, you tend to want to be part of it. Anyway, so sorry I got out of topic! 

So, yes, high school. Papers. Letters. Pictures. 4 years seems like a short amount of time bit trust me, it isnt. I was friends with this girl wjo used to be that person who always stayed beside because she wanted to and now, we hardly ever talk. We had a falling out that same year. What a shame because I miss talking to her about everything. And back then, I had a good head on my shoulders, saying to myself that I would never be that type of girl who lost her way? And look at where I am now? Half unemployed and half a pig. (Joking with the pig comment) (ok jking again. Lets say a CUTE Pig) 

Why did I write this? i just wanted to get it off my chest, all that I’m feeling after reading the letters and seeing the pictures brought back feelings of childhood. Of being a teen infatuated with the idea of love. The idea of loving someone who loves you and the thrill of someone loving you back. It also brings back heartaches that were unnecessary at the time. It just shows me how much I ‘ve grown in these past 4 years. i dont know but Im sorta proud of graduating college on time and being a daughter who my parents can trust and of course, being able to understand simple math questions! But i have so much more to learn because this is where real Life begins! 

I’m happy today. Because even though I didn’t get any good news except for my final interview tomorrow, I was able to get out of the house and stay out until 8pm! It was accomplishment in itself because I normally don’t go out, but today I made myself take a bath and get dressed so I could look presentable to the companiex me and my cousin would be visiting today! And added bonus was  the time I spent with my cousin! I never seriously considered that I needed a person who was so practical. Even in life choices, I feel that she’s better than me and it’s alright! Because I know somehow, I’m doing something right and I thank the higher beings up there and Jesus. Thank you for the blessed day.

Pants have never been my trigger… Until now

Tags

clothes, life, pants, plus-size

It is imperative to love yourself before allowing yourself to love others, the lesson I learned while shopping for pants. You see, my dilemma goes something similar to a tale that’s old as time, but not quite. Im not as fit as other girls, I have a lot of weight in my thigh area and its what some call as “thunder thighs” so its difficult for me to find pants that would hug my curves. I dont usually complain about this but it hit me extra hard while shopping, this nagging feeling of being too fat to fit into anything I like and it doesn’t help that I notice people who have thinner legs than mine and I can’f help but envy them. I envy those people who are able to eat like a horse and still fit into their jeans, and believe it or not but I don’t eat as much carbs.. (Well, right now Im tryjng to cut back on the sweets.. No more chocolates) as I used to. Likewise, I envy those who love themselves as they are, believe me that you are what the youth ,who are battling similar wars within, needs. They need role models who uplift their self-esteem in loving themselves, regardless of what the society thinks is an anomaly. 
But for people like me who are hard-headed, these sayings of loving yourself and not conforming to society, which is rightfully upheld as it should be, is still not enough which leaves us where? A rock and a hard place, that’s where. Coming to grips with the fact that you don’t conform, doesnt mean it’s doesnt hurt because, to be honest, it does. And we know its not our fault, Because its how we’re made, it’s in the genes ( in short, blame your parents! Jk but I do it all the time) and yet it still hurts to know that there will be a pair of pants that is absolutely beautiful but you can’t have them because even the biggest size isn’t a good fit for you. Its a hard pill to swallow, as all hard truths are. 
Looking a certain way that is not fit with society’s standards are both a dagger to the heart and a slight bruise ,that’s bleeding slightly, to a person’s ego. I say person because I know that some men also suffer from the harsh judgements of society. Now, not looking a certain way is not necessarily shameful but a lot embarrasing, I reckon it must’ve taken Ashley Graham a lot of soul searching before being so okay with her body, because I know I’ll be needing about 1 year or so to love myself like I deserve to be loved.

But then again, loving yourself has no time limit. Love is not set in time. It has no expiry date. So I challenge myself to start learning anout the things you love about yourself and just take note of them so the next time I feel like this, you’ll have the Good list, to turn to now. i just hope I won’t be too sleepy, tired to analyze myself.

Breathe

Tags

life

Deep breaths, in and out, in and out. Remember the pattern. Deep breath in and let it all out as a puff.

Its been attacking me lately, this constant feeling of breathlessness And im not quite sure why. Is it stress from being unemployed? Is it the stress of feeling useless by remaining in your house instead of wanting to do the things, like excercise?  The pressure of needing to get a job? Maybe. All of these are possible causes. 

Breathe in, hold for a millisecond, breath out a deep,hard puff.

Phone call

Tags

2am thoughts, life, loss, love

I long for those nights where I call you and you answer on the 2nd ring. And you ask me what was wrong in that husky voice I love so much, and I apologize for waking you up and you say it’s your job to take care of me and I say no, its not, I tell you that you don’t have to do anything anymore after that fight we had just a few days especially when I told you we were over..Its not your job anyymore because we were over and you tell me that we wont be over until I meant it;you said you’ll believe me when I say it without tears in my eyes.. My eyes that you always say gives you a free pass to my inner thoughts and my souul, my soul that you say is pure and innocent ndfragile, which is a complete opposite to what I see because I always tell you that my soul isn’t worth saving. And yet you tell me that Im wrong every single time. And thaatts why Im callling you at 2 am, I had a nightmare that you just disappeared on me..  That you left me on this journey to go on yours alone..:.

*beep* hey, this is jonah sorry I couldnt catch you! Im probably busy with work or my girl, just leave your message aftter the beep thanks! Yeah leave a message *beep*

I love you.so much. Take care wherver you are. Know that I’ll seeyou in my dreams. Bye.

What is it like to have parents who can’t wait for you to grow up

Tags

future, graduate, parents

“As you grow up, you have to realize that there are things more important than the others.”

“In your course, you will never find a job. That’s why you need to ask your uncle about that job and take that civil service exam… But don’t make it your profession.”

“You have to realize now that there is a time for everything, I kept letting [sleeping late] slide, but now, You have all the time in the world. Use it.”

To be honest, it’s a love hate relationship we got here. On one hand, I love that they keep pushing me and giving me a choice  on what I wanted to do but on tje other hand, It feels like I don’t have a choice. Do you get it? Yes, they’re giving me a choice but it looks like I dont have any other else BUT the job that provides security to me.

i have to make it clear that I really genuinely feel that they dont want me to feel the pressure at all, but because they want the best for me, Its like you get sucked in a black hole and the gravity is just pulling so far inside that you feel numb.

With parents who have careers in the various fields that require precision and accuracy, in the fields where the decision is based on their knowledge of textbook, basically black or white, they are ones most likely to unconsciously pressure their children into having secure good paying jobs especially when their children have a degree in the arts department. I may be generalizing and I may be out of line, but from my experience, this is what some of the kids my age are now experiencing. I just want to let you know that youre not alone in this, in what you feel. I know its annoying, god is it soo annoying. And it can make you feel helpless, may be even incompetent? Then you start to question everything. Is what youve done enough? You start to think that you have ni right to rest. Because you didnt even get any latin honors in your college life, like ” hey how dare I! How dare I ask for 2 months break when you didnt even perform THAT well in school ” bottom line is, its part pressure from the parents and part pressure from you.  i admit that I pressure myslef because most of the time I feel that the more I pressure myself , the faster I ‘ll wake up to reality that I have to move faster and I have to find a job so I can make my parents proud SOMEHOW.

I am about to graduate college and I am unsure of my future. But who isn’t? Im not even trying to defend myself , I just want everyone to know that Everythings gonna be okay, even when its not. I dont know how but somehow, it all just pans out. I hope. Uncertainty scares the loving hell out of me but what can I do? I can’t even make myself regret the course I took because In that course I found a side of me that has potential. I just hope that I get to explore it more. Because it would be such a waste. 

Rants about siblings

Tags

brothers, family

There will always be days where you feel like leaving the house you grew up in, and its not because of any kind of abuse, jusr because of the simple fact that you want to get away from overbearing mothers who push you too hard with their stories and taunts and warnings that will make you feel that you’re about to fail without even starting yet. Today is one of those days. Just a few minutes ago, I was chastised by my mama about not doing things all the way, meaning, I move half-assed. I didnt fold the dried laundry when I brought them down from the rooftop where we hang our clothes to dry. I assigned it to my brother, telling him to fold what’s left of the unfolded clothes, I left him to do it. Guess what? HE DIDN’t finish folding them and continued to watch in his tablet. I was in my room chillin, when all of a sudden mama barged in my room and asked me what my problem was, why didnt I fold the clothes? I wanted to say, “I told brother to fold the rest because I folded the others” but of course I didnt say that because it would only lead to me getting shouted at. Who’s fault is it? Mine? I guess I could blame myself for not folding all of them after I finished washing the clothes, but I mean come on! He didnt even do anything today! He went to school, then he started watching his stupid anime! While I washed the clothes, watered the plants, swept the garage, cleaned the table after eating. I dont do the dishes and I only wash my dishes because he’s too lazy to freakin wash my dirty dishes so its his task to clean the dirty plates of our parents and the pans we uaed to cook, guess what? IT ISNT WASHED YET!! He does this every fucking time that sometimes I end up washing those as well but most of the time our dad ends up cleaning the diahes so what did he do? NOTHING!UGH! Can I just curse for a moment?? Tang#^%!!!! He is so f*cking lazy and he wants to become a doctor!?!? GOOD LUCK TO YOUR PATIENTS!! I HOPE THEY DON’T DIE BECAUSE OF YOUR LAZINESS TO PRESCRIBE THEM MEDICINE OR EVEN OPERATE ON THEM!!